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Ahad, 4 Mac 2012

ZOMBIE CRITICS AT THE CINEMA

PART 1


by Hassan Abd Muthalib

Two zombies fresh out of film school (yes, that’s what they’re turning out these days!) happened to drop in at the cinemas. They didn’t look out of place with the young crowd. You couldn’t really tell them apart what with the fashions that the kids are sporting nowadays, especially those weird ‘porcupine’ haircuts crowning their craniums! Later, the zombies went for their over-priced and diluted teh tarik at the mamak shop. They didn’t look out of place here either, what with the waiters sporting their 1Mamak uniforms. One of them looked strangely like Samy Velu. Hmm, moonlighting, no doubt. Hope he ends up like that one day. That would be really an act of God.


ZOMBIE 1: Let’s play weeweechu!

ZOMBIE 2: Oi, mabuk! Not festival time yet-lah.

ZOMBIE 1: Ok, let’s play ‘Making a mess with Film Titles.’

ZOMBIE 2: Much better. We can’t do any worse than the directors with the films.

ZOMBIE 1: Ongbak Hindu!

ZOMBIE 2: Nice. Nice. Nice telemovie. Nice out-of-date story. Nice two-dimensional characters.

ZOMBIE 1: I cried my heart out.

ZOMBIE 2: (Astonished). You did?!

ZOMBIE 1: Yes. For wasting all that money in making this silly movie.

ZOMBIE 2: (Relieved). You had me there for a moment!

ZOMBIE 1: Ah Beng the Kueyteow Seller!

ZOMBIE 2: I prefer pork’s ribs. Hei ho, Silver. Very entertaining but why like TV movie, ah? Cannot bluff with the plot-lah. Get proper writer-lah. Aiyo, Chinaman also got same problem like the Malays!

ZOMBIE 1: Pekeliling Street Jokers!

ZOMBIE 2: Ah, this Chinaman, Jamie Lee, okay one. Got brain. He understand parody. But a lot of in-jokes. So cannot sell in Mongolia.

ZOMBIE 1: Astro-ah!

ZOMBIE 2: Aiyo, Thanksgiving Turkey! How can you start Act 2 after almost one hour, mah? Never learn screenplay structure-ah? But that Neelofa really cute-lah. Can act also.

ZOMBIE 1: Itek!

ZOMBIE 2: Fuyoo, that Indon chick really cantik, woh!

ZOMBIE 1: Good premise but why that joker director also want to write screenplay also. Go to school first-lah.

ZOMBIE 2: State-of-the-industry, mah. Glamour! Yuhang also act in the movie. He’s also in Buburan by Ding Said. You know what happened to Yuhang in this movie? Don’t want to give spoiler. But that’s what I wanted to do to him when I saw Itek!

ZOMBIE 1: Cicak Dalam Botol Sos!

ZOMBIE 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!! Next!

ZOMBIE 1: Cinta Pura-pura!

ZOMBIE 2: Aiyo, my friend make that one-lah!

ZOMBIE 1: He also zombie, ah?

ZOMBIE 2: Very soon!

ZOMBIE 1: How come that film company don’t understand genre, ah? All their films got problem, mah.

ZOMBIE 2: This film very TV sitcom. You want to make film for cinema, make properly-lah. Don’t understand art direction also. Don’t simply use red and yellow-lah. All got meaning, what. Make film, don’t make home video. Aiyo, I got headache already. Lucky thing I got no brain!

ZOMBIE 1: Like today’s audience, mah! Serve them right! Haywire!

ZOMBIE 2: Yeah, they’re all haywire.

ZOMBIE 1: No-lah. The Steven Soderbergh movie.

ZOMBIE 2: Aiyo, Steven. How come you make this terror of the turkeys, ah! Can’t believe he did this!

ZOMBIE 1: Needed the dough-lah. Sold out to Hollywood.

ZOMBIE 2: The War Cow!

ZOMBIE 1: Sensitive! This Steven better. Now his work can be considered classic. Very, very subtle anti-war and humanity ‘message’. Arrrgghhh, I said the dreaded word!! The Nasty Reviewer will eat me for lunch!

ZOMBIE 2: Ya-lah. Wasn’t about the horse but the humans of the 1910s. Even though set in the past, it’s about present day life. That’s how good stories are written for the cinema. Not like Magic-kah and Terong Wangsamaju! Waste so much taxpayers’ money. Forget about CGI-lah. Concentrate on story, character, structure and subtext. Get Ajami McKee’s advice-lah!

ZOMBIE 1: Spielberg was asking in the film how come there was so much humanity then, even among the British and the Germans fighting each other. What happen nowadays? Yasmin Ahmad also said the same thing in her movies.

ZOMBIE 1: Those days gone forever. Now everyone got new god – rupees, please! Can buy your support for 500! Sheesh!

ZOMBIE 2: Sensitive! Those gangsters will come and get you! KL Spinsters!

ZOMBIE 1: Aiya, Hong Kong make film like that 30 years ago. Why so delay, one?

ZOMBIE 2: Twelve million box-office, mah!

ZOMBIE 1: Audience also delayed, mah! Very funny, ah. Now local movies all with out-of-date stories – Ongbak Hindu, Astro-kah, KL Spinsters. How come, ah?

ZOMBIE 2: Not to worry. History Channel will explore one day. Cokodok-cokodok Cinta!

ZOMBIE 1: Aiyo, how come my friend make this movie two hours long! Cannot, mah. The audience after 20 minutes already brain dead. Now in theatres got only one week to make back the money. So make it one and a half hours-lah for seven shows a day.

ZOMBIE 2: Pondan on a Ledge!

ZOMBIE 1: Ah, this one great thriller. Also Semua House. Terror treatment. Both recycle stories – about conspiracy, intrigue and corruption in high places. Ho hum, what else is new? Happen every day in Malaysia, mah.

ZOMBIE 2: Buburan!

ZOMBIE 1: This one don’t miss! Directed by Ding Said and with some great young actors – Zahiril, Ameerul, Pekin and Namron. Showing at TGV cinemas starting March 8th. First time I really see Faisal Hussein shine in a movie. Incredible fight scenes!

ZOMBIE 2: Aiyo, I don’t believe the questions thrown at Ding Said at the press conference. And I thought we were the zombies!

ZOMBIE 1: Incredible cinematography and acting, with a great story about family to boot. Pay attention to the opening scene. Very clever index to what the film is really about.

Two DBKL officers arrive at the zombies’ table.

OFFICER 1: Excuse me -

ZOMBIE 2: Oops, okay, officer. We surrender. We were out of our graves illegally.

OFFICER 2: It’s not that –

ZOMBIE 1: Is it because of our dried blood and unkempt hair?

OFFICER 1: No –

ZOMBIE 2: Is it because of our fingers, with worms crawling all over?

OFFICER 2: No –

ZOMBIE 1: (Screaming). For Mamat Khalid’s sake, tell us what it is!!!

OFFICER: The mamak complained you’ve been sitting here for four hours and only drinking two teh tarik.


(To be continued at another mamak shop)


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